Getting to know someone new can be a real challenge. I think getting to know someone all over again can be even more so. I’ve had a real chance to start over with someone I’ve had a huge falling out with. It’s not the first time I’ve had such an opportunity to make amends, and yet my previous experience fails me here.
I am no expert at relationships but I have been trying earnestly to learn from mistakes and undress the reasons we may have failed. The process involves a candid look at the way our personalities collide and discovering the methods I might have used to assuage a given situation. Doing so has made me understand myself and others in terms I can use in discussion, and has strengthened the relationships which have already weathered the storm.
In this particular case, I face a man who has alternately been my friend, coworker, lover, stranger, and enemy. We have had a tumultuous time of it – I blame it on timing – and miraculously we have come back to each other one final time. Final because eventually enough bad history will close the doors on us. I’m hopeful though.
My main dilemma is the reestablishment of trust. Some people are giving of their hearts and lend themselves to vulnerability. I admire these people because fear does not stop them from giving wholly of themselves even as heartbreak fills their storybook. It is hope that is their shield, as opposed to the fear.
Fear is dictating my interactions with this man, since I seldom give up any part of myself. This might seem a sad and lonely ordeal, but the fact is I find complete comfort in myself. Of course this is no way for a person to survive, I will give you that. Unfortunately in all my analysis I have not found it all that possible to forget the past and all the pain with it. Equally as vivid is the joy, and with all my heart I hope this final try is indeed final.
And so I ask, if a person previously in your life expresses to you a long-held wish to reconcile, that the old feelings have never abated, that perhaps this in itself is worth something – what view could you have?
What’s mine? Fear, hope, absurd ecstasy brimming with insecurity! Oh well, that’s what makes life so interesting.